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location:  Transition  >  Timeline The kid years:  When I was a girl I wasn't the typical tomboy. Nor was I a tomboy at all. I was very much my mother's little girl. I loved ballet and didn't really mind wearing dresses, as long as they weren't itchy. I always envied the little boys and wanted to go play with them, but I was a quiet child and wasn't the type to just bust out and join them. Looking back on my actions and what I loved to do, I realize that I never associated a gender role with ballet or playing with My Little Ponies. All I knew was I liked being clean, proper, following the rules, and organized. 1995 - 1996:  Falling in love/Coming out I fell in love for the first time in summer of 1995. It was with a woman. I didn't have much trouble "accepting myself," and I came out to my parents and extended family the following year. They were all wonderful about it. Everyone always supported me and welcomed my girlfriend-at-the-time with open arms. I also came out at my small high school in Kennebunk, Maine, and for the most part, it went OK. I'd say I had a very unique and wonderful coming out experience. 1997 - 2000:  Hi, my name is Dyke So I knew I liked girls. I always hated the word "lesbian," because I knew I wasn't one of those. Since I didn't realize it was OK for me to question my gender, I embraced the identity of "dyke." It was the closest thing I could think of to describe my feelings of being more masculine, yet keeping away from being "butch" because I was raised with a negative connotation to that word. Ironically, the one thing I knew I hated about the word "dyke" was that it pointed out I was female. Fall 2000 - Spring 2001:  Discovering transgenderism I started my first semester at the University of Vermont, living in the GLBTQA suite with two FTMs in the making. We did a lot of transgender/FTM awareness during the year for our suite programming. We also brought Loren Cameron to campus in the spring. By the end of the school year, I was starting to seriously consider identifying as transgendered. My girlfriend at the time had expressed opposition to the idea, so I kept it inside for a little while longer. Summer/Fall 2001:  Coming out...again I came out as transgender to my girlfriend-at-the-time, despite her worry about "losing the lesbian community." I knew it was time because I couldn't keep it in any longer, I knew I wanted to get chest surgery sometime in the future, and I started really thinking about testosterone. I redesgined my website into what you see now and came out to my family. They were less than pleased, and, due to my their disgust over my transgenderism, piercings, and tattoos, they withdrew all financial aide from me, including school expenses. I had not yet asked anyone to change pronouns or names with me, nor was I using the men's restroom. My girlfriend-at-the-time broke up with me for a biological male, and for the first time in my life, I found myself on my own, in all regards, and ready to find myself. Spring 2002:  Is T right for me? My New Year's Resolution was to figure out if T was right for me. I began to save for chest surgery, but my new-found financial independence took basically depleated that savings account. I attended the True Spirit Conference for the first time and learned a lot about testosterone and surgeries and other non-hormone, non-op options. I began going by Ethan and male pronouns only with my friends. I wasn't sure how I was going to broach the subject with my family again or how I was going to fully come out at school. At the end of the semester, I started dating a woman who had, in the past, only dated biological men. Summer 2002:  Transition Step 1 -- Therapy My new-found "straight" relationship really helped me with my readiness to transition. I realized that the only thing holding me back from transitioning was the fear of "who's going to love me after I'm on T?" She made me realize and accept that whoever I end up with is going to love me for me, not my gender or my genitalia. For the first time, my partner made me feel not like a trannyboy but like a boy. This allowed me break free of the "trannyboy inbetween" and take the first step toward transition. Although I already had 7-8 months of the real-life experience under my belt, no one in the Burlington area would write me the T letter before I went through psychotherapy. So on July 7, 2002, I had my first appointment at the Behavaoiral Therapy and Psychotherapy Center in Burlington, VT. Fall 2002:  Transition Step 2 -- Finding an Endocrinologist I used the name Ethan in all my classes, explaining to my professors that it was my preferred name, despite what the roster might say. I had some trouble with my therapist, which you can read more about here, but I finally received my testosterone recommendation letter on November 19, 2002. I began to search for an endocrininologist, preferably one that would take my insurance, so I could start testosterone therapy as soon as possible. After considering all the trans-friendly endos online and those I had heard of through the FTM Forum on LiveJournal, I decided to make an appointment with Dr. Korff in Northampton, MA. Since I was traveling out of town, they set me up with a consultation directly followed by an injection appointment with the nurse on January 8th, 2003. My parents started to slowly come around, and my mom even offered to go with me to my appointment with the endocrinologist. Spring 2003:  The Waiting Game and surgery Since the endocrinologist normally tries to bill office visits and such as "hypogonadism," I decided to pursue a hysterectomy first through my insurance. Since all of that needed to be worked out before I started testosterone, I had to cancel my January 8th appointment with Dr. Korff, and had to reschedule after the surgery issues paned out. I also finally decided on a name. The majority of my immediate and extended family had become open to the idea of calling me Ethan, and they were still trying to get the hang of using male pronouns. Summer 2003:  Transition Step 3 -- Finally Starting T and (more) Surgery My insurance pre-approved my hysterectomy, so I went ahead and had that surgery on June 11th. Since my gynocologist gave me the go ahead to start T (so that I would already have it in my blood stream after the surgery), I saw Dr. Korff on May 15th, 2003, got my prescription, learned how to inject, and gave myself the first shot that night. I also had a consultation with Dr. Menard at GRS Montreal for chest surgery on June 22, 2003, and, despite my struggle to decide on a surgeon, concluded that he was the best option for me. Fall 2003:  Transition Step 4 -- Top Surgery I had my chest surgery with Dr. Menard at GRS Montreal on August 27, 2003, just five days before school started. I developed a hematoma on the right side, which had to be drained twice. Once it stopped pooling blood, it turned into chronic inflammation, which can take a long time to heal completely. For more details on that, check out my chest surgery section. Despite pronoun slip-ups now and then, the majority of my family had become outwardly accepting and supportive of my transition. Winter 2003/Spring 2004:  Still healing... My chest chronic inflammation continued to go down, but taking its sweet time. Dr. Menard, a physical therapist I was seeing for ultrasound therapy, and my local RN all said they thought it is only swelling within the tissues, and most likely not breast tissue, that should go down completely in time. Family relations regarding my transition continued to improve all the time; my parents helped me pay for my medical bills and some living-related expenses. I became single again, but not alone this time...I was finally liking who I saw in the mirror. "It feels so funny to be free..." Summer/Fall 2004: Becoming ever more comfortable As my chest inflammation continued to go down, I found myself becoming ever more comfortable with my body. I spent a lot of time in the gym over the summer and was beginning to see some great results regarding my chest and body shape changes. As usual, I found myself with no time during the semester to continue going to the gym, and having to start over. Even still, I started working on getting my sex marker change information together for my birth certificate, and felt nothing but pure happiness about my transition. Spring/Summer 2005:  It's [legally] a boy! After a very extended process, I was finally able to change the sex designation on my birth certificate, get a new passport issued, and change it with Social Security. I was in a relationship for about five months with a straight-identified woman, which ended mutually over distance considerations. She helped me out a lot by doing my shot for a while, giving me a nice break from self-injecting. I had my last appointment with my endocrinologist (I was moving out of town), and he said my levels were great and need only annual check-ups. I spent a great, final summer in Burlington, the liberal, artsy-fartsy town that was home to me for so long and saw the majority of my transition. Fall/Winter 2005: Steps towards bottom surgery At the end of the summer I began having very intense thoughts and feelings about bottom surgery, specifically that I am interested in metoidioplasty with urethral lenghening. I'm not sure why it happened then, perhaps because for the first time I was really happy with my gender presentation in the world and my relationship with the vast majority of my body. I had always been able to focus on things other than my genitals. But now it has crept up upon me, and I must do something about it. I saw someone at the school's Counseling Services to obtain my letter(s) for bottom surgery and tried to set up consultations with a few doctors. I also had my first taste of living stealth (not out as trans) at an abroad veterinary school. I had to walk lightly when talking about my past and even when when referencing the present and my future plans; it was very different than the trans poster-boy I was at UVM. Spring/Summer 2006:  Steath vs. Non-stealth The process of living stealth for the year was much harder than I had expected. It was taking such a mental and emotional toll on me that I eventually gave up hiding and allowed my peers access to my website information. I learned that I feel much better and relaxed when people know and it is out in the open. Due to summer travel complications and getting into a school at the last minute, I had cancel my chest surgery revision and bottom surgey consultation. Fall 2006/Spring 2007: New School, New Life I started at a new graduate school in the fall, and I allowed full access to my website from the beginning and was completely honest when anything about it came up. This decision didn't seem to negatively affect my friendships or relationships, and I know that I feel much better about it and myself. It's becoming clear to me that living completely stealth is not something I want at this point in my life. I met a wonderful woman, Molly, who truly is my soulmate. We bought a house and are planning on getting married in summer 2008. I scheduled my bottom surgey for June 2007 and am now in the process of getting everything together for the trip overseas. Everything I always dreamed about is just seeming to come together...